Hopeful

I said 2 days ago that I wasn't going to get my hopes up, but I have. I know I have. I shouldn't, because the chances of this working first time are so minuscule and nothing has gone right at any point so far in the journey of baby making. I should be sensible and not say a word to anybody even though a lot of them are emotionally invested in this (not as invested as Ashley and I obviously, but still invested).

But I can't help it. I thought I was doing that. But then I heard myself (it was like I was having an out of body experience) telling my mum timeframes. And I kicked myself because I had definately decided NOT to do that, but I couldn't help myself "yes, mum, best case I'm pregnant in 2 weeks". Ahhhhhhh! I'm an idiot!!why couldn't I keep my mouth shut??!

Or a friend invited me to join an excersize class with her and I said no probs. she said it starts in 6 weeks, I say "well, the world could be different in 6 weeks." Idiot!! Why couldn't I have just said yes and left it at that? Because my subconscious is already in baby mode.

This is bad. This will end in heartbreak and tears. Some one teach me how not to be hopeful.

E xx