I have been thinking...

And thinking is always dangerous.

I think... I want to try again... Maybe.

I think I want to try again now that I'm calm and not crazy and feel confident to go in and say "thus is what you will do"

I think I want to get a copy of my medical records and take them to another specialist and just ASK if there is anything we can do differently.

I think I should go back on the naturopath diet and start doing acupuncture again, just in case I do actually follow through on this thought.

I think I'm too scared to talk to Ashley about this, because I know the likelihood of success is so small as to make this a stupid thought.

I think we should revisit the idea of donor eggs and donor embryos.. I don't know if we should have ruled them out as quickly as we did.

But when I go back to the reason we ruled them out, I still agree with those arguments. But then I argue against it and my head goes round in circles!

I am worried that if I do anything at all I will delay us from being able to start the adoption process. I feel like I have already wasted so much time. But I don't want to get on the list and then a year down the track decide we should try something IVF-y and then have to go off the list, serve the wait period and then go back at the bottom of the list. That will cost me more time.

I don't know if I should write off this whole parenthood thing. I am going around and around in circles and I just want to weep. I thought I was doing ok, but I don't know if I really am. Before anyone freaks out, I'm ok. But I'm turned around and I don't know which way I'm supposed to be going anymore. I don't feel like I know who I am.

I just want all my decisions to be made for me and to just go back to being happy. I remember my life before all this. I was just simply happy. Of course I had work and life and blah blah blah going on, but I was content and I smiled and laughed and enjoyed my life. I planned for my future. And now I just don't know. I feel like all the smile and laughs are just surface and they don't touch the pit of sad in my gut.

--ooOoo-

I swear I was doing fine, just the other day!!! I don't know what brought this on! I had accepted our fate our reality. I was making plans. Simple plans, but still. I had a view of 2014 and it was dr free and Ashley and I were going to spend quality time and get ourselves back into the good place and then we would have little foster kids or do some travel and we'd be happy, healthy and whole. And then BOOM! Out of nowhere. This melancholy, broody, over thinking crazy comes out.