Emotions post laproscopy

I should be excited. I am excited. I want this so much. But...

I am so scared to hope. I do not want to get excited. I do not want to get my heart set on this. I need to be cynical and pessimistic and plan in this all not working.

But I have a date. I have a real live attempt at making a baby set in the calendar. For the first time in 4 years, I will be saying that I'm trying to have a baby and actually BE trying to have a baby. That's wonderful. But very, very scary. I so desperately want this, but it has been such a long road - quadruple the time I would have ever thought it would. The idea that it might actually happen, it might actually work, it might actually have a conclusion... I guess I don't quite know what to do with that.

I think I had almost gotten myself to a point where I was accepting that I would never have a baby. I wasn't happy about it, but I was realising that it might never happen and trying to get on with my life. I was still crying (a lot) but mostly I was getting on with the day to day and the planning and everything else. To be honest my planning was mostly about drs appointments so it was still baby planning, but the point is that the actual pregnancy part has been such a long way off for so long, that it's kind of shocked me that it's here.

I want to be pregnant. I want the baby. I want it 3 years ago! I think I'm just overwhelmed that it could be this month. I could be pregnant by Christmas! That's awesome! And scary. And I don't know what to think or what to feel or what to do next. 

And the reality is that I might not be pregnant by Christmas. I might not be pregnant by NEXT Christmas. So I can't get excited because if I do and it doesn't happen, I'll be more devastated than ever. If I knew it would happen is time, I probably would let myself be excited, but I can't.

I think it's the not really knowing, the not really having a timeframe that is part of making me crazy. I cannot count on this happening this month. I know this is what every woman trying to conceive has to go through, but this is a bit different, because it has been sooooooo long to get here. It's not just a case of a month goes by and I get a period, I did that for the first six months, and yes it was sucky and hard, and that's normal. This is like that times 1000! This is daily disapointment and hope crushing, time wasting, life slipping through my fingers, as life drips by and I keep waiting for the baby that never comes...

I can't keep doing this. And yet I can't look towards the end.

E