I'm all alone

I hate this. I hate having to have these tests, I hate having to take time off work to go sit in a dr's waiting room. I hate having to read all this paperwork telling me worst case scenarios. I hate it.

There is nothing fun about this whole thing. I want it all to be done. I don't want to ever have another conversation with someone about my ovaries. I don't want to have to leave functions because everyone else has babies an if I sit in the room with them any longer I will either break down in tears or start screaming at them all. I hate sitting in my room by myself crying, or yelling at the furniture because no one else can understand why I'm feeling however it is I'm feeling.

 I don't want to feel like I am an inconvenience in my husband's life, which is how I feel right now. 

If he ever came to me and wanted to talk about something I would not blow it off. I make the time. I put him first. I pay attention to what his life concerns are. And yet he doesn't want to hear. And that makes this even more lonely than it was before.

I'm sure he just thinks he's not in the mood to hear about drugs or whatever that has nothing to do with him, but it does! This is his life too. So if the information sheets, that I have to read, say I'm going to be irritable and bloated, he should know that. If the dr has told me that I need to go home and discuss twinning with my husband then this is not me trying to pressur whim into conversations! This is doctors orders. And frankly, even if it wasn't, it is important to my life and so he should make the effort to care.

This IVF stuff feels very isolating in general. I don't really have people that understand. I have people who care. I have people who love me and want this for me. I have people who empathise and send their love and good vibes my way. But I am all alone in the middle of it. And I want A to be in this with me.

E