I hate transfer day.
I always end up in tears. I stare at the pictures of my little fragmented eggs and think about how small my chances are. I hold in tears while they go in, and then I sit in my car and sob. This week I cried in the hospital foyer before I made it to the car where I cried for 30 minutes. Then there were tears on the acupuncture table for 35 minutes, in the car home for 20 minutes and then I curled up into my bed in the foetal position and cried until I fell asleep.
Yeah. Transfer day is not my favourite.
--ooOoo--
We had our transfer on Thursday. Two embryos were put back. But even though we got in early (day two, who does day two??) they were already fragmenting. We had five eggs out of eight fertilise. Of those, four divided. But they all look rubbish.
We have Evan and Frank currently in residence, and fingers crossed that the two in the lab keep dividing. But don't get your hopes up. Mine certainly aren't.
--ooOoo--
I feel miserable. Ashley tries to remind me that we still have hope, but I don't feel it. I don't think we've made a baby this week. And if we haven't, what do we do next?
I know I yo-yo between acceptance and denial. I know that my moods are erratic and I appear to be slightly insane. I think I'm coping. I am just sad. Desperately sad.
All I know is that I'm not making babies, and this is my fault, these are my eggs that are fucking up, this is my body that isn't working. I hate this. I hate this process. I hate this journey. Rationally I know that this is not about blame. It's just the way it is. But I feel responsible.
And I'm lost and confused. If I wasn't supposed to be a mum, why do I want this so badly? If I'm not meant to have children, then what am I supposed to be doing? And is there a way I can skip the painful growing part and just be happy and whole already?
And I hurt. Normally I bounce back after pickup, but this time round I'm aching and sore. Round 1, 2 & 3, I had surgery and was back at work the next day - even with mild over stimulation. This time I had 8 eggs (so not hyper stimulated at all) but 4 days later my tummy still feels bloated and tender.
The ache is not helping me feel hopeful. It is making me grumpy and mopey, which compounds the moodiness.
And because I've not had this before, I'm not sure what to do. Do I need bed rest, or is that me being melodramatic? I already had extra days off work, just because I could. It feels like overkill to stay in bed over the weekend. Besides, if it's just a bit of cramping, then movement wouldn't be bad, as long as I don't decide to try to run a marathon or something (which I wouldn't do, even if I was completely healthy).
I don't know.
--ooOoo--
I have nothing to add to this rant. I hate IVF. I hate stupid embryos. I really hate acupuncture and the stupid needles and listening to stupid meditation music. I hate people who are nice to me. I hate people who ask questions. I hate people who don't care enough to ask questions (so either way, you're in the wrong). I just hate this. I just want this to be over, but if they say it's all over I don't know what I'll do.
With love from a tired, sore, grumpy, hormonal, impatient, cynical, potential mummy.
E
Xx
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