And so we're done

We have seen the dr.

We will not be trying again.

We will not be making a little Quinn. This is done.

Nothing happened that was unexpected. We knew during the last cycle that we were basically throwing our money away. But we had to do it.

And I had to see the dr to confirm that we need to stop. She wouldn't give me the hard answer I need, but I'll talk about that more another time.

We both felt at the transfer that we were not going to be successful this round. And we big knew that that most likely meant our IVF time was done. We were resigned to failure. And we knew that come my period, we would have to make decisions about what our future family looked like.

We've had those conversations and I'm good with our decisions. I'll go into those a little later. But one of those decisions was, unless the dr came up with something new, we would be done.

I'm sad to not be doing another cycle. Not because I think it would be successful, but because stopping means letting go.

We went through this when we found out about Ashley's azospermia. We were both sad that we would not have a little Ashley. But when we agreed to use his brother as a donor, that was much smaller because we would still have a little person who could have Ashley's eyes, or cheeky humour, or fixation with stereo equipment. There was a genetic link, and it was ok. Not perfect, but it was going to work for us.  Now we won't have that. We will never get to compare our baby pictures with our children to see the similarities. Whatever happens, we will not have any genetic links.

This situation, todays decisions, might mean that our parents won't be grandparents. Ashley's siblings haven't had children, and his little sister is not in any way maternal. My sister has not had children and her partner doesn't want them. Now that could mean all kinds of things for their future, which is none of my business, but right now it means that for the rest of our lives we will have child free Christmas's and Easters. We will not have any christenings or pick out godparents. This is really sad.

This is my last round of moping, I promise. From now on, I will have plans and joy and all good things, but I have to share the mopeiness too.
 

E xx