Another one

My friend told me of her pregancy yesterday. It's still very early days, so she hasn't announced it, but she was so excited she wanted to share her joy.

I am so happy for her. She is bursting with excitement and she is so very, very happy. 

And there are twinges of sadness, and I can't help but wonder - will it always be like this? Will I always compare my loss to others gain? Is this what my life looks like now?

It's a bitterness that I don't want. 

I have grown to expect it. I know to make sure when this baby stuff is going to that I will need quiet time and private space to feel selfish and sad. I can't help but compare her 4 weeks, to what would have been my 9 weeks, if it had worked. To be reminded that the one year old next door was born three weeks before our first proper go.

I just want it to get better. To be able to be less narcissistic. And I know that right now I am still very close to the pain. So hopefully as more time passes, the wound will close. I will heal. And these moments will be able to be the pure joy they deserve to be.

E